I did want to sit and rant or write about the right to go to war, about how I’ve seen people from all sections of the country walk side by side to state not in my name
I was going to talk about how some Muslims youths questioned my comprehension of would geography, and world politics in Hyde Park, about how I questioned them on their need to isolate differences.
I did want to write about presentation of opinion, of how debate does not mean agreement. How people do not have a right not to be offended.
But that’s a circle I’ve been round and round so many times, and I needed a nap.
Not long after the previous post on this blog I had to move back into my very accommodating mother’s home, my loving step-dad, and their small zoo. And it’s been such a blur I really can’t work out when we left there and moved in here. Is that my first senior moment?
Or is it because this year became all about the need to finish a home and get settled in. (Oh wait it was the end of September…) but in fact I had become increasingly unsettled. Not in a completely lost place. More that I was simply dealing with the day with the most immediate reactions.
I’d lost my reflective process.
In losing this behavioural process I lost tracks of some the whys, and got stuck in what’s and when’s. I had committed to so many projects and I felt that if I didn’t follow them all through I would be letting myself down.
I have done a lot, but I burnt myself. I burnt myself out.
Some days I awoke and realised there was more than I could possibly do, and I kept trying. I had a lot of things I was starting, but not all of them were being finished.
By the beginning of last month I did a long list of all the things I’d started or had taken on.
Guess what I realised?
Yes – taking things on I enjoy, but it was seeing all these things to completion that was a struggle. I really don’t have infinite energy, or time. But up until the end of September I tried every trick I knew to make time, and get that little more bit of go out of my life.
I made a choice I didn’t like emotionally mid October – I had to dial things down. Reduce my lists to a couple of drivers and get them done. As a rational and as a logical option however just over a month later I am feeling the returning of my more centred self..
I needed to stop main-lining on adrenalin, sugar and caffeine and focus on effective living. More precious that any short-term gains are patterns of behaving and thinking that are more efficient long-term.
What have I been doing? Taking some time to think, perhaps to daydream, merrily to drift off. My derbal viarrhea is a known issue. Yet when I am silent I am far more calm.
I am capable of winding myself up so tight, twisting from productive spiral of actions to a fragile glass-rod of immobility. These are my patterns.
I’ve hit these rough curves before. I felt them and saw the restriction coming & I’m becoming confident I managed to hit the brakes before I smashed the whole construct of my life down.
Unlike other times I’ve tried to move on, this time I think the choice of words is key. I’m not leaving behind, I’m moving forward.
I have the desire to question. I can take things so far, but the last few steps I have doubts. Something goes missing. I’ll have to use an analogy to explain this better and it feels like this one suits what I mean:
“I need to eat. I look in a fridge, pick out random ingredients, and make a coherent meal. Once it’s all prepped it gets cooked. I serve the meal, but the hunger seems to have gone.”
Why is that with me and projects? Do I forget why I started on a path and become absorb by the details?
As it stands I’m technically still mid-projects but am now taking a break o some, and have chosen to end others – is this a new step? Stepping back from the details to reassess? Not running from them all is a more evolved step for me. I just couldn’t see a way to hang on to them all.
This feels like a new step.
If something looks like something and feels like something? Then, all poor phrasing aside, that thing is that something, yes?
While I’m not attempting to apply scientific rigour to my life, I have just woken up after a short nap after work. My first unprompted reminder to myself on my mind was about paths, circles, and spirals.
Ah those little siestas I was taking before ‘ProjectHome’ became a 5 day a week job, and ‘ProjectWork’ was a 4 day a week job. And that doesn’t even include all the other Projects I’ve had to call time on.
Ah, those siestas, providers of mental meditations, which promote so much calm and positivity. No need to diatribe against the military complex now.
I’m a very lucky man that I am allowed such turbulence, and such stillness. For those that endure the whirlwind I am thankful, for those that wait out the stillness I am thankful.
And for those that helped me to where I am today I am honoured.
“Take a Bath Ming” to paraphrase a movie scene I’ve just recalled.