Nighttime, Nightmares & Nonsense

I learnt many years ago that life is a roller-coaster, it goes up & down, round & round. And like a great comedian once said. It’s very pretty, there’s lots of lights, and people have invested a lot of money in the ride.

But the ride is there for us to enjoy or travel on. Because it can’t all be fun. Or the fun bits would never be fun at all. For others being on the ride, owning the ride, or making profit from the ride – is far more important than their own self satisfaction. I’m not one of them.

I’m more interested in the personal, value based, perhaps sacred nature of possessions and human interactions. I’m not even anti-money or anti-profit like most people I meet assume I am once I get started. I’m anti-profiteering, anti-money as primary life goal, it turns out I’m pro ‘doughnut economics’, but that’s a mind-experiment & a date I’m not yet ready for.

Strange how sometimes I think I’m having a EUREKA! moment, when in fact I’m just another rainbow sun-stone carved link in the great chain of life.

In one 24hr period I had multiple major emotional, work and personal life stresses thrown at me. And as is my want via #justask #sayyes #gratitude I reached out. I have ‘outsourced’ two major life issues. And I am grateful.

I’m also grateful I adopted an elder cat this month. I am grateful that a random Face$ucks algorithm gave me an opportunity to increase the chaos in my life. I am grateful to the kindness of strangers who did not immediately roll their eyes at my particular madness in this thing we call life.

Trust me, the older you get the less flexible the majority of people get about accommodating variety in their life. This month has reinforced something I already knew. Variety is the spice melange of life that make my eyes turn glow in the dark blue, figuratively speaking of course.

So wired have I been on my own adrenaline and anxiety, I think it was about 9 days until I slept more than 3hr without waking up in a panic attack with my chest ready to burst and my head in chaos. Well more chaos than normal. It’s always chaos.

However I have been able to harness these energies somewhat. I’m a past master at insomnia strategies. (No caffeine, chocolate, sugars, bright lights). I’ve been living on mint tea, real food, hot baths twice daily. I’ve had music on all the time, I’m read lots of things, and I’ve scribbled. MY GOD HAVE I scribbled.

Part of the point for me of joining a group of strangers online in an accountability group was to shake things up. Lock-down under COVID has removed ALL my normal fun & coping strategies that I’ve built up over 44 circuits of the sun, on this pale blue-ish dot. I needed a poke to my perspective. Something just wasn’t adding up. Part of the point was an internal push to generate chaos. Setting challenges to myself, for myself, to improve myself

Not only have I added some chaos into my life, I’ve relearned things I’ve forgotten, I’ve seen the world through the eyes of other human beings, I’ve also felt accepted in my hyper-energies & hyper-thoughts. The moment I started playing the HELLO MY NAME IS… game of assigning ‘random’ nick names to people, I crossed a major thresh-hold. I wasn’t just interacting with people. I was playing. Playing with life.

For arguments sake, we’ll call the group leader Papillon. I met him back end of 2019. I think my arm tattoo idea shook him out of his personal perspectives for a second, and into mine. Over the course of that day, I got introduced to the beautifully chaotic way he thinks to disrupt and develop new ideas and new plans. second time he met the tattoo was done and had caused many fun interactions.

Well by the end of February I’d practiced my lion’s roar, I’d drawn an entire picture and called it my “Left Handed Art Soul”, I’d resurrected my fancy dress boxes, embodied my AVATAR of rage and amusement, and I think in a small way – one person at a time – I’ve made the world a better place.

I hope some of these people stay friends – and that doesn’t mean we have to speak every day. That’s what my emotional support cat, Shadow, is for.

No, I am a mirror of the quality of the people around me, and I am something else as well. I’ll keep working on the something else, as well as keeping high quality individuals around me.

There’s such joy in me right now about the nature of this roller-coaster, of art, expression, appearance, joys, goal, focus, humour, self-deprecation, fun, clarity, questions, doubts, rudeness and fun.

It’s ended with me signing up for a COMEDY COURSE & SPOKEN WORD Course, because I know it’s a good first step – even if I don’t know where it’s going. They can help me, and I’ll help them raise money. The show will be performed 18th September. It’s an arbitrary deadline to a process I’ll never end. But If I don’t start I’ll never know. And I’m nothing to lose but fear & pride. And they are amongst my least favourite motivators

I also need to stick with this double bath and power nap routine. It feels good. And organizing these scribbles..

..before all the frogs of scribbles take over my life I’m going enjoy hitting the 3-pointer over the bin basket for every frog eaten.

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