All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.Samuel Beckett, Worstward Ho: 1983
I’ve joked many, many times that I’ve forgotten more than some people have ever learned. February’s journey was not just an outward one into new people and new ideas… but a VERY deep dive into my past, my past thoughts, ideas, and old scribble stashes and books.
it sent me down a memory path. But unlike the PTSD I’m suffering from due to HerWithNoName, my locus of focus was entirely on me, and my motives for what I was doing in the past.
As I write this I am organizing a case to sue my current employer.. I’m going through the motions to set up a UK Protest Party, and I’m working on ways to harness my compulsive need to make notes, collect data, and find patterns. This entire post is a series of notes generated at random. Which I then string together into something I see as act of expression to a fellow traveler through time and space on our collective Earth-ship.
I’ve been working on these mind-dumps since I started a Politics & Consciousness blog in my 20s.
The politics side eventually drove me into an unhealthy mental spiral, I was probably only a few days away from the conspiratorial tin foil hat. Thankfully a trip to a new country, learning a new language, and remembering what my real motivators are saved my soul.
“You are under no obligation to remain the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. You are here to create yourself, continuously.”Richard Feynman (Citation Needed: Taken from Twitter)
I’ve been heavily spinning the ideas of PRIVATE vs PUBLIC Performance… and the different between ART vs CRAFT. I’ve especially been diving into just what my mental tesseract of ideas as axioms is up to. Instead of worrying as to why I don’t see the world as others do. And I’m not just talking about the 586 Megapixel resolution of my un-cooperative mono-scopic eyes. (FYI Cameras top out at 200 Megapixls currently.)
What have I found? Well one major stumbling point is the nature of a definition… here’s a pictorial attempt to breakdown the virus like way an idea hits my mind. Any idea has all sort of traits or receptors that massively affect how it interacts with other ideas I already hold. Well the ones I remember anyway.
Another major stumbling point is how I ‘spin’ ideas in my head. I’ve managed to explain to a few people the ‘dimensional’ or multi-layered or multi-factor analysis I always seem to have used. I’ve always done this, and while it might have been enhanced by playing with Lego, or Maths – the apple never falls far from the tree. For me there’s not just the ideas I hold, but the frameworks & spaces they create in patterns.
Within or without these ‘idea spaces’ other ideas can or cannot grow. For that I’ve started using Miro.com & have a book on how to program in Python. It’s going to take a while. But I’ve set myself a “Year of Metamorphose” challenge. I’ll see where I am at the end of February 2022. We’ll all be there before we know it anyway!
So many layers, options, zone of inclusion and exclusion. Once I began to pick apart these layers of encoding and re-coding I realised that this process isn’t me. It’s something I possess. But for the first time in 44 years I realised that I am something else as well. I am the Joker, the Wide Eyed Child, & the Hero. At least under Jungian analysis these always come up. I “Play” with reality & I “Test” my role or part.
Some part of my AVATAR process is involved here. All the worlds a stage, and I’m just a minor bit-part. But I will always be the protagonist in my scenes. I’m getting to grips with locating the responsibility for my scenes within myself. I’m not delusional, not very delusional anyway, there are somethings I am not responsible for. By responsibility I am referring to how I react & resolve my interactions. Qualitatively this does not matter if these experiences are assigned a positive, neutral or negative connotation?
If all art is theft, and my self is my greatest work of art as self-expression, I just need to keep working at it. As I started to pull the ideas and frameworks out of my head – I started to actualize parts of this process into my real world. I’ve subdivided my lounge into separate spaces. There is right here. The desk PC, two screens, one for information, video & sounds.
The other for work and focus. The “Office of Craft & Fulfillment” is connected to the “Office of Ideas & Imagination”. In some ways mentally, I have a hyper-oscillating sorting system for all the information bouncing in and out of my mind. In reality I’ve tried to make the divorcement of spaces a little more supportive in focusing these outbursts. Lots of little TOTEMS which remind or focus me into CREATION
My new & improved “Office Of Ideas & Imagination”Might hire a virtual PA next month…. Everything I need in arms reach. Long Books, Short books to read. I have different books to write in. (Journal, Comedy Ideas, Art Book, Scribbles Pads.) Mint Tea, HB Pencil, Multi-Coloured Pencils, Pencil Sharpener. Yoga mat & Lego stash on second shelf with more periodicals.
Music playing for PC in corner. Many Multi-coloured cushions. A wall for post its. A mirror to sanity check And my ever present Peace Lily & Aloe Vera. All bases covered. I’ve almost got that method in my madness… I can smell it…Just need to 1920s Underwood typewriter and a mugwump. (Naked Lunch reference).. on second thoughts skip the Mugwump.I’ve also had a great email from an ex-Secretary of the Radical Party willing to share their journey through politics with me!Anyone jealous? And no I still don’t have a ‘solid’ plan.. but i have a direction!
I could spend an entire week pulling apart all the threads that got me to here and now. But that kind of mental masturbation I’ll keep to myself.
I am grateful to my counselor for the last two years, my long terms friends who’ve given me love and support. And I am grateful to a quadratic balance of ideas & personalities I achieved because of #sayyes & #justask & #gratitude. In the space between me and the forces of nature that are PAPILLON, FROSTIE, SENSEI BEACON & PHEONIX.. my spirit tree has found the light of spring and regrowth after the long nuclear winter of my last 2 years. Don’t get me wrong, the clouds haven’t gone, the environment can still be hostile. But growth is growth. And the light of a sun, is warmer than the reflection of the moon.
“Two things to remember in life. Take care of your thoughts when you are alone, and take care of your words when you are with people”Unknown
~ Self Expression ~
……….A POEM IN BULLET OF WORDS
- Most rarely See
- Weird and Surreal
- Hyper Spiral Mind
- Weird and Surreal
- Touched by Life
- Driven by Death
- Liminal space realised
- Driven by Death
- Prism reflections cast
- Abstracts of light
- Rainbows in reality
- Abstracts of light
- Dance in colours
- Shine on forever
- Dark Without Form.
- Shine on forever
- Something persists.
~ End thoughts ~
I have to harness these word-images from the spinning tesseract.
I have to stop hiding….mostly. Some private/public re-balance. I need some new AVATARS.. and they’re in progress. Given birth names, familial and social constructs put open us all can be so limiting. And our capacities are almost limitless.
Like you dear reader I worry about my ‘self’ my ‘structure’ my ‘process’
No thing is ugly.. only the wrong perceptions and thoughts
Death has its beauty, as does birth
We are here to create.
I have given myself permission to create.
It’s play-time in the school of life, and I never want the bell to ring!
Well at least not for today!