Mush. Knots. Great big monkey puzzle tree mess of mental ideas. Itchy, Scratchy. Non-flowing frustrations, nightmarish dreams. A mental impasse. A loss of colours. A lack of impetus.
I’ve had an exceptionally manic few weeks due to the culmination of many real life stresses, and a 24 hour period where I took more than my limit of physical, mental and emotional stresses.
But I did something I’ve learned because of all the circuses and rodeos I’ve been through before. I immediately reached out for help. I booked an emergency appointment with my counselor, I phoned my father, and I took EVERY offer of help sent my way.
I’ve had warnings from friends who’ve known me a long time that I seemed manic, on edge, about to snap. I am willing to admit all the signs were there.. But I’m now a man with nothing to lose. And that put me into a liminal space I’ve never been in before. I have all my faculties – admittedly running at max speed – I was and am communicating with people. I was expressing my self, my ideas and my emotions.
This is all healthy for me. As is normal for me I have an abundance of energy and urges. While I’m now at the point were I am fully aware my body is fallible, and I am fully aware that the mind is not a true hard drive, I have not stopped being curious, open and loving.
What I have done is spent a decade investing all that in one person, one dream and one hope. Herwithnoname is playing merry hell with the court case, and that just adds onto my work, life, mental, physical and emotional stresses. A good reason for the nightmares to poke through. But it’s not that I’m specifically selecting these memories to piss myself off. It’s more to do with the theory of state dependent memories – and in a stressed state it is more likely that my dream state will select from the negative pools of self.
Like the yin-yang symbol though, nothing is all good or all bad. Like the spice, all must flow. But I woke up in the opposite of flow today. Knots are difficult to me, I get stuck in loops. And pulling on a loop will often make the knot worse. I learnt this fishing as a child, and it’s always felt very similar in a mental way. Go too hard to fast at just pulling random bits of the knots apart, and one pull too many can never be undone. Give it two coats of looking at.. think.. slow down. Perspective is everything, before action can be taken.
What have I forgotten here? I’ve forgotten all the little steps. The 1% every day into little projects and ideas – and not doing the 200% maximal overdrive effort into one project. Though if I ever find a good woman again, I suspect planning that wedding day might break that rule.
I have this week given myself permission to be myself. All these words, all these years of blogs to an unknown stranger who may become a friend, come from a very definite source. I am compelled to explore ideas, and I am compelled to scribble out the ‘mental overflow’ from this process. It could be a word or 5. It could be a quote, it could be an answer to a question I never asked.
Until I started using Trello to organize my ideas, plans, projects and aspirations I’d never really harnessed it. Or trained it. Or focused it. I am highly aware that time is the enemy, but the right time for me to do this is now. I have nothing to lose. Trello was practical real world actions and ideas. But there’s a much larger random wealth of dissociated ideas with no real world anchors
What processes have I put into place? I have a personal journal, a ‘comedy’ journal, a ‘poetry’ journal, a ‘politics project’ journal, a wall of unsorted ideas post it notes (which i can do on Trello, but this is more fun). And that’s why the “Office of Ideas and Imagination” is helping. I can’t take all this too seriously. I think that’s what the manic warnings from friends were about. But I’m beginning to see a different layer. It’s not mania.. it’s just hyper spirals…. like a tree sees our days as a second, our years as a day – when I’m thinking and forming new connections across disparate ideas of mind and space.. it’s so fast the only sane thing I can do is blurt it out. That is in written form, verbal form… and for the first time in my adult life, I’m not just crafting and painting toy soldiers, I have drawn and doodled out of sheer impulse.
I keep drawing trees and fractals… but that doesn’t tell me anything new. What would be new is if i could write one thing with one hand, and another with the other. I’m not a magician. But I can feel a hidden magic. And I can smell a change coming. Like that satisfying smell that rises from the earth after the rain.
All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.Samuel Beckett, Worstward Ho: 1983
I’ve joked many, many times that I’ve forgotten more than some people have ever learned. February’s journey was not just an outward one into new people and new ideas… but a VERY deep dive into my past, my past thoughts, ideas, and old scribble stashes and books.
it sent me down a memory path. But unlike the PTSD I’m suffering from due to HerWithNoName, my locus of focus was entirely on me, and my motives for what I was doing in the past.
As I write this I am organizing a case to sue my current employer.. I’m going through the motions to set up a UK Protest Party, and I’m working on ways to harness my compulsive need to make notes, collect data, and find patterns. This entire post is a series of notes generated at random. Which I then string together into something I see as act of expression to a fellow traveler through time and space on our collective Earth-ship.
I’ve been working on these mind-dumps since I started a Politics & Consciousness blog in my 20s.
The politics side eventually drove me into an unhealthy mental spiral, I was probably only a few days away from the conspiratorial tin foil hat. Thankfully a trip to a new country, learning a new language, and remembering what my real motivators are saved my soul.
“You are under no obligation to remain the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. You are here to create yourself, continuously.”Richard Feynman (Citation Needed: Taken from Twitter)
I’ve been heavily spinning the ideas of PRIVATE vs PUBLIC Performance… and the different between ART vs CRAFT. I’ve especially been diving into just what my mental tesseract of ideas as axioms is up to. Instead of worrying as to why I don’t see the world as others do. And I’m not just talking about the 586 Megapixel resolution of my un-cooperative mono-scopic eyes. (FYI Cameras top out at 200 Megapixls currently.)
What have I found? Well one major stumbling point is the nature of a definition… here’s a pictorial attempt to breakdown the virus like way an idea hits my mind. Any idea has all sort of traits or receptors that massively affect how it interacts with other ideas I already hold. Well the ones I remember anyway.
Another major stumbling point is how I ‘spin’ ideas in my head. I’ve managed to explain to a few people the ‘dimensional’ or multi-layered or multi-factor analysis I always seem to have used. I’ve always done this, and while it might have been enhanced by playing with Lego, or Maths – the apple never falls far from the tree. For me there’s not just the ideas I hold, but the frameworks & spaces they create in patterns.
Within or without these ‘idea spaces’ other ideas can or cannot grow. For that I’ve started using Miro.com & have a book on how to program in Python. It’s going to take a while. But I’ve set myself a “Year of Metamorphose” challenge. I’ll see where I am at the end of February 2022. We’ll all be there before we know it anyway!
So many layers, options, zone of inclusion and exclusion. Once I began to pick apart these layers of encoding and re-coding I realised that this process isn’t me. It’s something I possess. But for the first time in 44 years I realised that I am something else as well. I am the Joker, the Wide Eyed Child, & the Hero. At least under Jungian analysis these always come up. I “Play” with reality & I “Test” my role or part.
Some part of my AVATAR process is involved here. All the worlds a stage, and I’m just a minor bit-part. But I will always be the protagonist in my scenes. I’m getting to grips with locating the responsibility for my scenes within myself. I’m not delusional, not very delusional anyway, there are somethings I am not responsible for. By responsibility I am referring to how I react & resolve my interactions. Qualitatively this does not matter if these experiences are assigned a positive, neutral or negative connotation?
If all art is theft, and my self is my greatest work of art as self-expression, I just need to keep working at it. As I started to pull the ideas and frameworks out of my head – I started to actualize parts of this process into my real world. I’ve subdivided my lounge into separate spaces. There is right here. The desk PC, two screens, one for information, video & sounds.
The other for work and focus. The “Office of Craft & Fulfillment” is connected to the “Office of Ideas & Imagination”. In some ways mentally, I have a hyper-oscillating sorting system for all the information bouncing in and out of my mind. In reality I’ve tried to make the divorcement of spaces a little more supportive in focusing these outbursts. Lots of little TOTEMS which remind or focus me into CREATION
My new & improved “Office Of Ideas & Imagination”Might hire a virtual PA next month…. Everything I need in arms reach. Long Books, Short books to read. I have different books to write in. (Journal, Comedy Ideas, Art Book, Scribbles Pads.) Mint Tea, HB Pencil, Multi-Coloured Pencils, Pencil Sharpener. Yoga mat & Lego stash on second shelf with more periodicals.
Music playing for PC in corner. Many Multi-coloured cushions. A wall for post its. A mirror to sanity check And my ever present Peace Lily & Aloe Vera. All bases covered. I’ve almost got that method in my madness… I can smell it…Just need to 1920s Underwood typewriter and a mugwump. (Naked Lunch reference).. on second thoughts skip the Mugwump.I’ve also had a great email from an ex-Secretary of the Radical Party willing to share their journey through politics with me!Anyone jealous? And no I still don’t have a ‘solid’ plan.. but i have a direction!
I could spend an entire week pulling apart all the threads that got me to here and now. But that kind of mental masturbation I’ll keep to myself.
I am grateful to my counselor for the last two years, my long terms friends who’ve given me love and support. And I am grateful to a quadratic balance of ideas & personalities I achieved because of #sayyes & #justask & #gratitude. In the space between me and the forces of nature that are PAPILLON, FROSTIE, SENSEI BEACON & PHEONIX.. my spirit tree has found the light of spring and regrowth after the long nuclear winter of my last 2 years. Don’t get me wrong, the clouds haven’t gone, the environment can still be hostile. But growth is growth. And the light of a sun, is warmer than the reflection of the moon.
“Two things to remember in life. Take care of your thoughts when you are alone, and take care of your words when you are with people”Unknown
~ Self Expression ~
……….A POEM IN BULLET OF WORDS
- Most rarely See
- Weird and Surreal
- Hyper Spiral Mind
- Weird and Surreal
- Touched by Life
- Driven by Death
- Liminal space realised
- Driven by Death
- Prism reflections cast
- Abstracts of light
- Rainbows in reality
- Abstracts of light
- Dance in colours
- Shine on forever
- Dark Without Form.
- Shine on forever
- Something persists.
~ End thoughts ~
I have to harness these word-images from the spinning tesseract.
I have to stop hiding….mostly. Some private/public re-balance. I need some new AVATARS.. and they’re in progress. Given birth names, familial and social constructs put open us all can be so limiting. And our capacities are almost limitless.
Like you dear reader I worry about my ‘self’ my ‘structure’ my ‘process’
No thing is ugly.. only the wrong perceptions and thoughts
Death has its beauty, as does birth
We are here to create.
I have given myself permission to create.
It’s play-time in the school of life, and I never want the bell to ring!
Well at least not for today!
For all the Bibliophiles, the Browsers & The Readers.. Here’s my “Home Library Top 20”. I am eternally grateful to the staff as a child at my local public library that let me take out more books as they knew I’d be back in a week.In no order, and no further explanations given. Unless you DM me
- Lewis Carrol – Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
- Heinrich Harrer – Seven Years In Tibet
- Steven Hall – The Raw Shark Texts
- Cormac McCarthy – No Country For Old Men
- Frances Hodgson Burnett – The Secret Garden
- Stephen King – The Bachman Books
- Isaac Asimov – The Complete Robot
- JRR Tolkein – The Hobbit
- JG Ballard – The Drought
- Richard K Morgan – Altered Carbon
- Richard P Feynman – Surely You’re Joking Mr Feynman
- Willam Gibson – Neuromancer
- Louis Theroux – The Call of The Weird
- Robert M Pirsig – Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
- Bill Hicks – Love All The People
- Frank Herbert – Dune
- Jeff Noon – Vurt
- Douglas Adams – Hitchhickers Guide To The Galaxy (Collection)
- Jon Ronson – Them: Adventures with Extremists
- Neil Gaiman – Neverwhere
Well I never wanted a boring life, and it certainly hasn’t been
Two weeks ago my life got flipped, turned upside down. Again.
It’s been a hard year for all people’s.
I’ve heard the phrase “We’re ALL in the same boat” so many times.
And it’s FUCKING wrong.
There are massive disparities in the UK between income, employment & access to so many things. The fact the the London Finance Sector Revenues dominate the UK balance sheet. But I’ll stop myself there. I will not turn this into a politics blog. I will find another avatar, and another outlet for that monster of truth and justice that boils inside me.
The point? There are many people who now are stuck at home on furlough pay, without enough to feed themselves after the bills.
We all in the same storm, and people are on very different journeys through it.
So when work threw problems in my face, an hour after my ex-wife threw problems in my face, hours before that I’d woken up from a horrible nights sleep due to an ‘end of life’ install, at the end of a working week where none of my 12hrs were less than 13hrs, I broke.
I immediately reached out for help. I have effectively ‘outsourced my problems’. I’ve even had a couple of messages back to me pointing out those things I can never see from my own perspective.
Some people wouldn’t cope with one of the problems I had last week, never mind the never-ending Russian Doll of problems I’ve been continuing to operate under for the last 4 years.
What I’ve needed are my normal releases, a dance, a show, a comedy gig, a sauna, a swim. I’ve been trapped in my safe hand-built home, and I’m missing the stimulation of a random chaotic world. Of new adventures, new people, and things I never knew!
I’ve had so much fun this month, I’ve collected some fellow weirdos into the gravitational pull of my life, and in some way I’ve been pulled a little bit into theirs! And for this I am grateful. It’s been hard to remember that none of us on this pale blue dot, are an ‘Island.’
I’ve also got some lessons to relearn, including how to modify my behaviour around those who don’t have the same calloused thick skin as me, and can’t access their dark comedic passenger. And I need to be gentle with myself, and others more. It feels nice.. changing the world. One person. And one interaction at a time.
I learnt many years ago that life is a roller-coaster, it goes up & down, round & round. And like a great comedian once said. It’s very pretty, there’s lots of lights, and people have invested a lot of money in the ride.
But the ride is there for us to enjoy or travel on. Because it can’t all be fun. Or the fun bits would never be fun at all. For others being on the ride, owning the ride, or making profit from the ride – is far more important than their own self satisfaction. I’m not one of them.
I’m more interested in the personal, value based, perhaps sacred nature of possessions and human interactions. I’m not even anti-money or anti-profit like most people I meet assume I am once I get started. I’m anti-profiteering, anti-money as primary life goal, it turns out I’m pro ‘doughnut economics’, but that’s a mind-experiment & a date I’m not yet ready for.
Strange how sometimes I think I’m having a EUREKA! moment, when in fact I’m just another rainbow sun-stone carved link in the great chain of life.
In one 24hr period I had multiple major emotional, work and personal life stresses thrown at me. And as is my want via #justask #sayyes #gratitude I reached out. I have ‘outsourced’ two major life issues. And I am grateful.
I’m also grateful I adopted an elder cat this month. I am grateful that a random Face$ucks algorithm gave me an opportunity to increase the chaos in my life. I am grateful to the kindness of strangers who did not immediately roll their eyes at my particular madness in this thing we call life.
Trust me, the older you get the less flexible the majority of people get about accommodating variety in their life. This month has reinforced something I already knew. Variety is the spice melange of life that make my eyes turn glow in the dark blue, figuratively speaking of course.
So wired have I been on my own adrenaline and anxiety, I think it was about 9 days until I slept more than 3hr without waking up in a panic attack with my chest ready to burst and my head in chaos. Well more chaos than normal. It’s always chaos.
However I have been able to harness these energies somewhat. I’m a past master at insomnia strategies. (No caffeine, chocolate, sugars, bright lights). I’ve been living on mint tea, real food, hot baths twice daily. I’ve had music on all the time, I’m read lots of things, and I’ve scribbled. MY GOD HAVE I scribbled.
Part of the point for me of joining a group of strangers online in an accountability group was to shake things up. Lock-down under COVID has removed ALL my normal fun & coping strategies that I’ve built up over 44 circuits of the sun, on this pale blue-ish dot. I needed a poke to my perspective. Something just wasn’t adding up. Part of the point was an internal push to generate chaos. Setting challenges to myself, for myself, to improve myself
Not only have I added some chaos into my life, I’ve relearned things I’ve forgotten, I’ve seen the world through the eyes of other human beings, I’ve also felt accepted in my hyper-energies & hyper-thoughts. The moment I started playing the HELLO MY NAME IS… game of assigning ‘random’ nick names to people, I crossed a major thresh-hold. I wasn’t just interacting with people. I was playing. Playing with life.
For arguments sake, we’ll call the group leader Papillon. I met him back end of 2019. I think my arm tattoo idea shook him out of his personal perspectives for a second, and into mine. Over the course of that day, I got introduced to the beautifully chaotic way he thinks to disrupt and develop new ideas and new plans. second time he met the tattoo was done and had caused many fun interactions.
Well by the end of February I’d practiced my lion’s roar, I’d drawn an entire picture and called it my “Left Handed Art Soul”, I’d resurrected my fancy dress boxes, embodied my AVATAR of rage and amusement, and I think in a small way – one person at a time – I’ve made the world a better place.
I hope some of these people stay friends – and that doesn’t mean we have to speak every day. That’s what my emotional support cat, Shadow, is for.
No, I am a mirror of the quality of the people around me, and I am something else as well. I’ll keep working on the something else, as well as keeping high quality individuals around me.
There’s such joy in me right now about the nature of this roller-coaster, of art, expression, appearance, joys, goal, focus, humour, self-deprecation, fun, clarity, questions, doubts, rudeness and fun.
It’s ended with me signing up for a COMEDY COURSE & SPOKEN WORD Course, because I know it’s a good first step – even if I don’t know where it’s going. They can help me, and I’ll help them raise money. The show will be performed 18th September. It’s an arbitrary deadline to a process I’ll never end. But If I don’t start I’ll never know. And I’m nothing to lose but fear & pride. And they are amongst my least favourite motivators
I also need to stick with this double bath and power nap routine. It feels good. And organizing these scribbles..
..before all the frogs of scribbles take over my life I’m going enjoy hitting the 3-pointer over the bin basket for every frog eaten.