Frustrations, Fears, Focus

Mush. Knots. Great big monkey puzzle tree mess of mental ideas. Itchy, Scratchy. Non-flowing frustrations, nightmarish dreams. A mental impasse. A loss of colours. A lack of impetus.

I’ve had an exceptionally manic few weeks due to the culmination of many real life stresses, and a 24 hour period where I took more than my limit of physical, mental and emotional stresses.

But I did something I’ve learned because of all the circuses and rodeos I’ve been through before. I immediately reached out for help. I booked an emergency appointment with my counselor, I phoned my father, and I took EVERY offer of help sent my way.

Intentions are directions

I’ve had warnings from friends who’ve known me a long time that I seemed manic, on edge, about to snap. I am willing to admit all the signs were there.. But I’m now a man with nothing to lose. And that put me into a liminal space I’ve never been in before. I have all my faculties – admittedly running at max speed – I was and am communicating with people. I was expressing my self, my ideas and my emotions.

This is all healthy for me. As is normal for me I have an abundance of energy and urges. While I’m now at the point were I am fully aware my body is fallible, and I am fully aware that the mind is not a true hard drive, I have not stopped being curious, open and loving.

What I have done is spent a decade investing all that in one person, one dream and one hope. Herwithnoname is playing merry hell with the court case, and that just adds onto my work, life, mental, physical and emotional stresses. A good reason for the nightmares to poke through. But it’s not that I’m specifically selecting these memories to piss myself off. It’s more to do with the theory of state dependent memories – and in a stressed state it is more likely that my dream state will select from the negative pools of self.

Just start. It’s still good.

Like the yin-yang symbol though, nothing is all good or all bad. Like the spice, all must flow. But I woke up in the opposite of flow today. Knots are difficult to me, I get stuck in loops. And pulling on a loop will often make the knot worse. I learnt this fishing as a child, and it’s always felt very similar in a mental way. Go too hard to fast at just pulling random bits of the knots apart, and one pull too many can never be undone. Give it two coats of looking at.. think.. slow down. Perspective is everything, before action can be taken.

What have I forgotten here? I’ve forgotten all the little steps. The 1% every day into little projects and ideas – and not doing the 200% maximal overdrive effort into one project. Though if I ever find a good woman again, I suspect planning that wedding day might break that rule.

I have this week given myself permission to be myself. All these words, all these years of blogs to an unknown stranger who may become a friend, come from a very definite source. I am compelled to explore ideas, and I am compelled to scribble out the ‘mental overflow’ from this process. It could be a word or 5. It could be a quote, it could be an answer to a question I never asked.

Emotions are normal. Express them.

Until I started using Trello to organize my ideas, plans, projects and aspirations I’d never really harnessed it. Or trained it. Or focused it. I am highly aware that time is the enemy, but the right time for me to do this is now. I have nothing to lose. Trello was practical real world actions and ideas. But there’s a much larger random wealth of dissociated ideas with no real world anchors

What processes have I put into place? I have a personal journal, a ‘comedy’ journal, a ‘poetry’ journal, a ‘politics project’ journal, a wall of unsorted ideas post it notes (which i can do on Trello, but this is more fun). And that’s why the “Office of Ideas and Imagination” is helping. I can’t take all this too seriously. I think that’s what the manic warnings from friends were about. But I’m beginning to see a different layer. It’s not mania.. it’s just hyper spirals…. like a tree sees our days as a second, our years as a day – when I’m thinking and forming new connections across disparate ideas of mind and space.. it’s so fast the only sane thing I can do is blurt it out. That is in written form, verbal form… and for the first time in my adult life, I’m not just crafting and painting toy soldiers, I have drawn and doodled out of sheer impulse.

I keep drawing trees and fractals… but that doesn’t tell me anything new. What would be new is if i could write one thing with one hand, and another with the other. I’m not a magician. But I can feel a hidden magic. And I can smell a change coming. Like that satisfying smell that rises from the earth after the rain.

“Johari ( LeftHand ArtSoul Produce Mar 21)

Process, Practise & Paradigms

All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

Samuel Beckett, Worstward Ho: 1983

I’ve joked many, many times that I’ve forgotten more than some people have ever learned. February’s journey was not just an outward one into new people and new ideas… but a VERY deep dive into my past, my past thoughts, ideas, and old scribble stashes and books.

it sent me down a memory path. But unlike the PTSD I’m suffering from due to HerWithNoName, my locus of focus was entirely on me, and my motives for what I was doing in the past.

As I write this I am organizing a case to sue my current employer.. I’m going through the motions to set up a UK Protest Party, and I’m working on ways to harness my compulsive need to make notes, collect data, and find patterns. This entire post is a series of notes generated at random. Which I then string together into something I see as act of expression to a fellow traveler through time and space on our collective Earth-ship.

I’ve been working on these mind-dumps since I started a Politics & Consciousness blog in my 20s.

The politics side eventually drove me into an unhealthy mental spiral, I was probably only a few days away from the conspiratorial tin foil hat. Thankfully a trip to a new country, learning a new language, and remembering what my real motivators are saved my soul.

If only I could sail… where would the rivers of life take me? What is out there in the oceans of souls?

“You are under no obligation to remain the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. You are here to create yourself, continuously.”

Richard Feynman (Citation Needed: Taken from Twitter)

I’ve been heavily spinning the ideas of PRIVATE vs PUBLIC Performance… and the different between ART vs CRAFT. I’ve especially been diving into just what my mental tesseract of ideas as axioms is up to. Instead of worrying as to why I don’t see the world as others do. And I’m not just talking about the 586 Megapixel resolution of my un-cooperative mono-scopic eyes. (FYI Cameras top out at 200 Megapixls currently.)

What have I found? Well one major stumbling point is the nature of a definition… here’s a pictorial attempt to breakdown the virus like way an idea hits my mind. Any idea has all sort of traits or receptors that massively affect how it interacts with other ideas I already hold. Well the ones I remember anyway.

I wouldn’t try and understand this… I’m working on a ‘flow’ of ideas here. It is not for public consumption…..yet!

Another major stumbling point is how I ‘spin’ ideas in my head. I’ve managed to explain to a few people the ‘dimensional’ or multi-layered or multi-factor analysis I always seem to have used. I’ve always done this, and while it might have been enhanced by playing with Lego, or Maths – the apple never falls far from the tree. For me there’s not just the ideas I hold, but the frameworks & spaces they create in patterns.

Within or without these ‘idea spaces’ other ideas can or cannot grow. For that I’ve started using Miro.com & have a book on how to program in Python. It’s going to take a while. But I’ve set myself a “Year of Metamorphose” challenge. I’ll see where I am at the end of February 2022. We’ll all be there before we know it anyway!

Words have layers, and layers are dimensional

So many layers, options, zone of inclusion and exclusion. Once I began to pick apart these layers of encoding and re-coding I realised that this process isn’t me. It’s something I possess. But for the first time in 44 years I realised that I am something else as well. I am the Joker, the Wide Eyed Child, & the Hero. At least under Jungian analysis these always come up. I “Play” with reality & I “Test” my role or part.

Some part of my AVATAR process is involved here. All the worlds a stage, and I’m just a minor bit-part. But I will always be the protagonist in my scenes. I’m getting to grips with locating the responsibility for my scenes within myself. I’m not delusional, not very delusional anyway, there are somethings I am not responsible for. By responsibility I am referring to how I react & resolve my interactions. Qualitatively this does not matter if these experiences are assigned a positive, neutral or negative connotation?

Basket-Ball for my scribbles frogs I’ve eaten…

If all art is theft, and my self is my greatest work of art as self-expression, I just need to keep working at it. As I started to pull the ideas and frameworks out of my head – I started to actualize parts of this process into my real world. I’ve subdivided my lounge into separate spaces. There is right here. The desk PC, two screens, one for information, video & sounds.

The other for work and focus. The “Office of Craft & Fulfillment” is connected to the “Office of Ideas & Imagination”. In some ways mentally, I have a hyper-oscillating sorting system for all the information bouncing in and out of my mind. In reality I’ve tried to make the divorcement of spaces a little more supportive in focusing these outbursts. Lots of little TOTEMS which remind or focus me into CREATION

Sanity check aka MIRROR & spatial play with ideas..

My new & improved “Office Of Ideas & Imagination”Might hire a virtual PA next month…. 🙂Everything I need in arms reach. Long Books, Short books to read. I have different books to write in. (Journal, Comedy Ideas, Art Book, Scribbles Pads.) Mint Tea, HB Pencil, Multi-Coloured Pencils, Pencil Sharpener. Yoga mat & Lego stash on second shelf with more periodicals.

Music playing for PC in corner. Many Multi-coloured cushions. A wall for post its. A mirror to sanity check 😛 And my ever present Peace Lily & Aloe Vera. All bases covered. I’ve almost got that method in my madness… I can smell it…Just need to 1920s Underwood typewriter and a mugwump. (Naked Lunch reference).. on second thoughts skip the Mugwump.I’ve also had a great email from an ex-Secretary of the Radical Party willing to share their journey through politics with me!Anyone jealous? 😃And no I still don’t have a ‘solid’ plan.. but i have a direction!

“The Office of Ideas & Imangination”

I could spend an entire week pulling apart all the threads that got me to here and now. But that kind of mental masturbation I’ll keep to myself.

I am grateful to my counselor for the last two years, my long terms friends who’ve given me love and support. And I am grateful to a quadratic balance of ideas & personalities I achieved because of #sayyes & #justask & #gratitude. In the space between me and the forces of nature that are PAPILLON, FROSTIE, SENSEI BEACON & PHEONIX.. my spirit tree has found the light of spring and regrowth after the long nuclear winter of my last 2 years. Don’t get me wrong, the clouds haven’t gone, the environment can still be hostile. But growth is growth. And the light of a sun, is warmer than the reflection of the moon.

Choose life...

“Two things to remember in life. Take care of your thoughts when you are alone, and take care of your words when you are with people”

Unknown

~ Self Expression ~

……….A POEM IN BULLET OF WORDS

  • Most rarely See
    • Weird and Surreal
      • Hyper Spiral Mind
  • Touched by Life
    • Driven by Death
      • Liminal space realised
  • Prism reflections cast
    • Abstracts of light
      • Rainbows in reality
  • Dance in colours
    • Shine on forever
      • Dark Without Form.
  • Something persists.

~ End thoughts ~

I have to harness these word-images from the spinning tesseract.
I have to stop hiding….mostly. Some private/public re-balance. I need some new AVATARS.. and they’re in progress. Given birth names, familial and social constructs put open us all can be so limiting. And our capacities are almost limitless.

Like you dear reader I worry about my ‘self’ my ‘structure’ my ‘process’
No thing is ugly.. only the wrong perceptions and thoughts
Death has its beauty, as does birth

We are here to create.
I have given myself permission to create.

It’s play-time in the school of life, and I never want the bell to ring!

Well at least not for today!

Book, Books, Bookery

For all the Bibliophiles, the Browsers & The Readers.. Here’s my “Home Library Top 20”. I am eternally grateful to the staff as a child at my local public library that let me take out more books as they knew I’d be back in a week.In no order, and no further explanations given. Unless you DM me 😛

https://www.worldbookday.com/

  • Lewis Carrol – Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
  • Heinrich Harrer – Seven Years In Tibet
  • Steven Hall – The Raw Shark Texts
  • Cormac McCarthy – No Country For Old Men
  • Frances Hodgson Burnett – The Secret Garden
  • Stephen King – The Bachman Books
  • Isaac Asimov – The Complete Robot
  • JRR Tolkein – The Hobbit
  • JG Ballard – The Drought
  • Richard K Morgan – Altered Carbon
  • Richard P Feynman – Surely You’re Joking Mr Feynman
  • Willam Gibson – Neuromancer
  • Louis Theroux – The Call of The Weird
  • Robert M Pirsig – Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
  • Bill Hicks – Love All The People
  • Frank Herbert – Dune
  • Jeff Noon – Vurt
  • Douglas Adams – Hitchhickers Guide To The Galaxy (Collection)
  • Jon Ronson – Them: Adventures with Extremists
  • Neil Gaiman – Neverwhere

Emotions, Empathy & Enlightenment

Well I never wanted a boring life, and it certainly hasn’t been

Two weeks ago my life got flipped, turned upside down. Again.

It’s been a hard year for all people’s.

I’ve heard the phrase “We’re ALL in the same boat” so many times.

And it’s FUCKING wrong.

There are massive disparities in the UK between income, employment & access to so many things. The fact the the London Finance Sector Revenues dominate the UK balance sheet. But I’ll stop myself there. I will not turn this into a politics blog. I will find another avatar, and another outlet for that monster of truth and justice that boils inside me.

The point? There are many people who now are stuck at home on furlough pay, without enough to feed themselves after the bills.

We all in the same storm, and people are on very different journeys through it.

So when work threw problems in my face, an hour after my ex-wife threw problems in my face, hours before that I’d woken up from a horrible nights sleep due to an ‘end of life’ install, at the end of a working week where none of my 12hrs were less than 13hrs, I broke.

I immediately reached out for help. I have effectively ‘outsourced my problems’. I’ve even had a couple of messages back to me pointing out those things I can never see from my own perspective.

Some people wouldn’t cope with one of the problems I had last week, never mind the never-ending Russian Doll of problems I’ve been continuing to operate under for the last 4 years.

What I’ve needed are my normal releases, a dance, a show, a comedy gig, a sauna, a swim. I’ve been trapped in my safe hand-built home, and I’m missing the stimulation of a random chaotic world. Of new adventures, new people, and things I never knew!

I’ve had so much fun this month, I’ve collected some fellow weirdos into the gravitational pull of my life, and in some way I’ve been pulled a little bit into theirs! And for this I am grateful. It’s been hard to remember that none of us on this pale blue dot, are an ‘Island.’

I’ve also got some lessons to relearn, including how to modify my behaviour around those who don’t have the same calloused thick skin as me, and can’t access their dark comedic passenger. And I need to be gentle with myself, and others more. It feels nice.. changing the world. One person. And one interaction at a time.

Nighttime, Nightmares & Nonsense

I learnt many years ago that life is a roller-coaster, it goes up & down, round & round. And like a great comedian once said. It’s very pretty, there’s lots of lights, and people have invested a lot of money in the ride.

But the ride is there for us to enjoy or travel on. Because it can’t all be fun. Or the fun bits would never be fun at all. For others being on the ride, owning the ride, or making profit from the ride – is far more important than their own self satisfaction. I’m not one of them.

I’m more interested in the personal, value based, perhaps sacred nature of possessions and human interactions. I’m not even anti-money or anti-profit like most people I meet assume I am once I get started. I’m anti-profiteering, anti-money as primary life goal, it turns out I’m pro ‘doughnut economics’, but that’s a mind-experiment & a date I’m not yet ready for.

Strange how sometimes I think I’m having a EUREKA! moment, when in fact I’m just another rainbow sun-stone carved link in the great chain of life.

In one 24hr period I had multiple major emotional, work and personal life stresses thrown at me. And as is my want via #justask #sayyes #gratitude I reached out. I have ‘outsourced’ two major life issues. And I am grateful.

I’m also grateful I adopted an elder cat this month. I am grateful that a random Face$ucks algorithm gave me an opportunity to increase the chaos in my life. I am grateful to the kindness of strangers who did not immediately roll their eyes at my particular madness in this thing we call life.

Trust me, the older you get the less flexible the majority of people get about accommodating variety in their life. This month has reinforced something I already knew. Variety is the spice melange of life that make my eyes turn glow in the dark blue, figuratively speaking of course.

So wired have I been on my own adrenaline and anxiety, I think it was about 9 days until I slept more than 3hr without waking up in a panic attack with my chest ready to burst and my head in chaos. Well more chaos than normal. It’s always chaos.

However I have been able to harness these energies somewhat. I’m a past master at insomnia strategies. (No caffeine, chocolate, sugars, bright lights). I’ve been living on mint tea, real food, hot baths twice daily. I’ve had music on all the time, I’m read lots of things, and I’ve scribbled. MY GOD HAVE I scribbled.

Part of the point for me of joining a group of strangers online in an accountability group was to shake things up. Lock-down under COVID has removed ALL my normal fun & coping strategies that I’ve built up over 44 circuits of the sun, on this pale blue-ish dot. I needed a poke to my perspective. Something just wasn’t adding up. Part of the point was an internal push to generate chaos. Setting challenges to myself, for myself, to improve myself

Not only have I added some chaos into my life, I’ve relearned things I’ve forgotten, I’ve seen the world through the eyes of other human beings, I’ve also felt accepted in my hyper-energies & hyper-thoughts. The moment I started playing the HELLO MY NAME IS… game of assigning ‘random’ nick names to people, I crossed a major thresh-hold. I wasn’t just interacting with people. I was playing. Playing with life.

For arguments sake, we’ll call the group leader Papillon. I met him back end of 2019. I think my arm tattoo idea shook him out of his personal perspectives for a second, and into mine. Over the course of that day, I got introduced to the beautifully chaotic way he thinks to disrupt and develop new ideas and new plans. second time he met the tattoo was done and had caused many fun interactions.

Well by the end of February I’d practiced my lion’s roar, I’d drawn an entire picture and called it my “Left Handed Art Soul”, I’d resurrected my fancy dress boxes, embodied my AVATAR of rage and amusement, and I think in a small way – one person at a time – I’ve made the world a better place.

I hope some of these people stay friends – and that doesn’t mean we have to speak every day. That’s what my emotional support cat, Shadow, is for.

No, I am a mirror of the quality of the people around me, and I am something else as well. I’ll keep working on the something else, as well as keeping high quality individuals around me.

There’s such joy in me right now about the nature of this roller-coaster, of art, expression, appearance, joys, goal, focus, humour, self-deprecation, fun, clarity, questions, doubts, rudeness and fun.

It’s ended with me signing up for a COMEDY COURSE & SPOKEN WORD Course, because I know it’s a good first step – even if I don’t know where it’s going. They can help me, and I’ll help them raise money. The show will be performed 18th September. It’s an arbitrary deadline to a process I’ll never end. But If I don’t start I’ll never know. And I’m nothing to lose but fear & pride. And they are amongst my least favourite motivators

I also need to stick with this double bath and power nap routine. It feels good. And organizing these scribbles..

..before all the frogs of scribbles take over my life I’m going enjoy hitting the 3-pointer over the bin basket for every frog eaten.

Memory, Meaning, Meditation

Memory is a fickle mistress, I was told this today..

And suddenly like a beacon in my memory.. I remembered that I’d forgotten it.

Memories can be so fleeting.The most persecuted group in modern society is the individual, and I’m not alone in thinking this.

Why do so many people want to swim in a bowl with others when the possibilities are there for the taking?

Does it really feel so safe to be in a prison to protect your freedoms in the face of the unknown depths of the sea of life?

What is it in the vast ocean of possible life that scares people?

The seas have made this planet a home for life. And not just the water.Plankton, & algae – such a small creations – provide so much oxygen that we all rely on. It isn’t just from trees.

We all came from the sea. A long long time ago. The human womb is an ‘internal sea’.

But quite frankly there are some people who really do need to crawl back into the fucking sea and de-evolve a little more.

They are only the 1% of the people who frustrate me. The other 99% of people who frustrate me just need a little perceptual adjustments from nice people.

To remind them that they’ve forgotten we’re all connected. And that everyone has value.

The 1% are the narcissists, the sociopaths, and the psychopaths.

But I suppose even they can have their uses. Maybe it’s just not my path to help them.

Maybe I need to let this go… maybe not.

I need to be careful with my anger and fire. I’m not perfect.

I am lost in a liminal space. And my sense of inner spirituality is OK with that.

I’m going to meditate on this image and try sleeping.

Perception, Persuasion, Precognition

[Notes on Self – To Self]

“Maybe my college friends were right about me.. I get

deep joy in that trippy surreal non space.. because i

have a permanent peephole to it.. making me a human

acting like a social drug.. that’s why some stay, some

love, some panic. Some don’t understand. And some run.

All I want to do is laugh, dance, hold hands and move

towards the shine of the ever with good people”

Music, Magic & Madness

caveat lector: This is not intended as a complete work, it is but a snapshot of a process I have never attempted to show – it is a buffet of ideas, on a surrealist table, treat it as such – and not a Chinese 20 course wedding banquet, take as much or as little as you like. And if you don’t like, I’m ok with that. This is a first step on a road to somewhere. Much Loves. Biggest Hugs. ‘Ming’

It all started at 11.45am, as there’s the late morning CRESCENDO OF CLASSICAL blaring from the radio. (T1) I realised I’d like to PLAY A GAME, to steal a movie phrase, but this time the only thing that will die, is my FEAR OF FAILURE.(T2)

Scribble Diahorrea (P1)

I felt compelled to “JUST DO IT!”. (T3) After all it is all connected to all (T4) and it’s possible I have a shade of ‘hypergraphia‘. (T5)

How did I get here, in this moment? In the midst of this CHAOS we’re all in? My daily mantras of ” #JustAsk #SayYes #Gratitude(T6) help set some daily mental space parameters – into which I am better at shaping ideas to be useful. I generate ideas I cannot connect all the time. It’s kind of my SUPERPOWER.

It’s like there’s multiple kinds of improvising self trying to find ‘the script’ – I’m now at the point were I’ve decided some of these scripts need to be permanently on my self. (T7)

It’s also at the point were my lifetime of TRIAL & ERROR with the creation of myself (T8) has compelled me to commence a Neuro-linguistic Programming Practitioner course, and no it’s not for a career. More just because it resonates. (T9)

Stories, stories, always with the stories, analogies, synonyms, antonyms. (T10)

I have a lifetime of anecdotes which lead me to engage in MEANDERING CONVERSATIONS. (T11)

There’s an axial mesh of ideas in my head when I wake, well rested, fed & centered. (T12)

I have been on a fantastical journey from 40th birthday to my 44th (T13) – I was tied to a plan, however now I am ‘free’. (T14) I’d forgotten how much of a known face I am (T15), especially in UK & International Beer Bars/Events. (T16) Am I really a “Celebrity in my own life” ??? – feels dangerously egotistic. (T17)

Surprise Gifts can be a multi-layered Present (P2)

I am surround by a world of so much ‘Same/Safe Think’. (T18) I surround myself with so many thought or emotion provoking items. I have not been able to surround myself with enough people, who do the same, as often. But in all this external chaos in the world I’ve been reassessing the SAFE SPACE of my home – Why does my home feel familiar, yet new?

A snapshot in time of my bedroom walls in my early 20s (P3)

A snapshot in time of my staircase walls in my 40s (P4)

Last year I rebuilt my memories board – but when did I ever build a What Inspires Me Board? And that sent me off on a colour tangent on house walls, which then made me realise in order to write any of this to be understood it was going to need some limits. Today I will refer to it in word-salad form as my ‘TANGENTIAL EXAMPLE DIVERGENCE LIMITER (T19)

I have to be careful not expose too much of my personal self (T20) – what I need is an avatar, a shard, a costume, a prop. A persona. This has been a bloggerati placeholder for a long time. (T21)

And all this & that which really inspire me, come from either moments of insane spontaneous interaction, or the situation were another traveler on this earth-ship worked on their CRAFT before they found their HOOK. A good musician experiments in PRIVATE before they make their display PUBLIC. (T22)

On whatever date it was I was coaxed into rolling the dice (T23) with a bunch of weirdos (T24) I woke up once I started down the new path with some titles in my head. At first I thought the titles were key. On reflection I realise that just as fear leads to anger, these angry, frustrated titles, had far more to do with my subconscious sorting things out. (T25)

The first thing i wrote was three phrases, which looked like titles. But they aren’t.

Reports from an Earth-based Spaceman”

  • It’s a bit meh.. but all these notes, daily dialogues, can I use them as props?
  • How do I keep the comedy element I achieve in a personal conversation?
  • How to keep in some simple comedy with a serious point?
  • This is some aspect of myself focusing perception on the absurdities on “NOW/LIFE”. (T26)
  • Can I use a mixture of Pictures, Music, Diagrams, Words?. (T27)
  • I am massively conscious that I must PREVENT 1) Preaching (T28) 2) Mental Masturbation (T29)

What was my point. erm… cockwaffles.. start again… (P5)

The Wife Who Never Was & How it Happened

  • This would be catharsis.
  • There’s absolutely this book in me, if not more.
  • I just needed the fog of war to settle. (T30)
  • It may even be better if I hired a GHOST WRITER. (T31)
  • This is some aspect of me focusing on my PAST LIFE
  • What has my path truly been?

“Only Constant is Change

  • I have never not been told to fuck off and study philosophy. (T32)
  • Making myself take those vital first steps on any journey I can see were I could absolutely focus, without equivocation – metaphysics. (T33)
  • This almost feels like the urge to make a Journal of a JOURNEY..
  • This is my main internal WTF about life.
  • Could I translate and interpret from theory to reality to anybody – like I always seem to?
  • It is time to explore BEYOND MY LIFE & PERCEPTION. ahaha… GL me. Sorry dear readers.
  • This is some aspect of me facing the unknown of a FUTURE LIFE

Walls for thoughts. (P6)

Somewhere in this I mentioned playing a game. Is there still I game? I have to say so, I made this!

Does any of that resonate with YOUR STORIES/LIFE.. what came to mind about YOU – Not me!

Like Penn & Teller I’ve shown (almost) every step.. but does it still feel a little like a kind of magic?


This was supposed to have been done in my first 2hrs of a day. Due to the prior night that didn’t happen. But today I learned that if I can totally reset my self at any point. I can reignite that fire. (T34)

Small chunks every day. Many projects. Keep moving Shaun (T35)

I am MISSING MANY PEOPLE…to hold hands with and dance into the shine of the ever (T36)

This dichotomic man, tryptic man, quadratic man with his LOGICAL & LINGUISTIC humours is trying really really hard to focus his superpower. (T37)

The pace and the pulse of the music playing in the back ground changes.. more thoughts are stirred… the urge to write increases.

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise”

Alden Nowlan

T37 : P6 : Q1 : L1

MUSIC – 5 Knee Philip Glass.

NOTES ON SCRIBBLES – Enjoy!

PICTURES – EXPANDED

P1: The compulsion to write was so bad this day I had to pull over on the motorway and just release onto the back of a service pad in my work van. Not very professional – but this you are reading now is that in plain(er) English not my brain spasms.

P2: Random gifts are amazing – personalised gifts based on something you once said to someone in a bar that changed the way they thought. Well that’s a gift from the universe that will always counter the ennui of modern life. It reads “Just enough to keep you occupied, but not enough to keep you satisfied” It includes a picture of the Cheshire Cat and the Caterpillar. It changed his view on work. And it changed my views on the power of meanings. A positive spiral. Thanks Mike. You’re a fucking leg-end. Sub-tangent on the power of Lewis Carroll possible here.

P3: I think at the time this was mostly movie & music posters, clips from magazines, gig tickets… all the stuff that got me thinking. Finding this I had to go through my old box of memories, not all fun. But all these things got me to here. So I’m not changing a thing. Even bad examples can be a great lesson.

P4: A whole frame of personable memorabilia, and some art. And these days the stuff that gets walled up isn’t just about what I think about, I also consider how it makes me feel. Life tends to give the exam before the lesson. In some ways I see this as present self collating notes from past self to tell to future self. It’s my story. No-one has to listen. And no-one needs to care but me. If someone does, then I think I just start sharing stories and ideas in that space between two people.

P5: If you got this far does this picture need an explanation? Smug smirk insert. Also self-deprecation is essential in leveling the imbalance in some communications. Trust me on this. And on the sunscreen.

P6: I had a beautiful flowing Fish YING/YANG GIF the other night, and as is me, it exists only in my memory again now. There’s so many layers in the symbol I’m not touching it here, but the fish in water variant really resonates with me. I found this note to self the other day: [“Be like water, find your flow, notice the path of least resistance. Nourish life.” Notes to self.] Have you ever done that? Wrote a note, a memory, or advice and just hid it somewhere? Have you done it for a loved one? A world of wonder and surprise is yours for the taking, if you take the path less traveled.

TANGENTS – EXPANDED

T1: I don’t know how much time you’ve spent listening to any radio stations, but there are underlying patterns in the pacing and types of music used. You’re possibly already aware that it’s quieter overnight. (Mostly). As I
drive with Classical Radio 3 on to enhance my calm state, I really notice the dips and lows in rhythms from
a 6am-9am slow build. A dip till around 11am. Rising again till 12-1.. a dip again until 5-ish.. and then
wandering all over the shop in the evening with lots of experimental & abstract songs were modern musicians disrupt the norms and challenge your senses. Music played by a room full of people, not a machine is a fascinating spectacle of human co-operation.

T2: I have many things that my inner urban caveman has ‘sprayed’ onto the walls of his modern cave. The quote “Do Something That Scares You Every Day” is roughly stamp printed over a passage from an old dictionary that starts with the word INTEMPERATE adj. “not defiled; pure;unsullied” & ends with INTERBRAIN “a non-technical word for diencephalon” which has always amused me no end because of the extra layers, and because I still enjoy reading dictionaries and encyclopedias for knowledge. Wikipedia is one of the greatest gifts of knowledge from past humanity to future humanity. But books also have that lovely smell and sense association.

T3: I’m guessing everyone’s seen all the Shia LeBeouf Memes – but I had not idea that while he knew it would
be ridiculed, all he was really trying to do was motivate people somehow – I can whole-heartedly recommend this interview series. Humanity is under-rated in media (https://firstwefeast.com/eat/2019/09/shia-labeouf-
sheds-a-tear-while-eating-spicy-wings-hot-ones)

T4: Why do we tell such straight line stories? Because in my humble experience, it’s just not true. James
Burke’s Science Notes within The Essay series its the best example of simple but complex multi-threaded story-telling that amuses and informs that I’ve encountered for a while. And no this is not the same as ‘mystery box’ or (shudders) ‘subverting expectations’ (https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000s1lc)

T5: I wake, I write, I wonder is not a joke. I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t depressed that I was not
compelled to scribble a note, an idea or a quote on paper, my school books, on toilet walls, and sometimes
even I can’t read what I wrote because I have to write so fast and so impulsively. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypergraphia)

T6: I don’t recall how many versions my 10 happiness helpers have been through at this point. In some way
like Jordan Peterson’s Rules For Life – there are a personal counterfactual response to my experience. The
last time I wrote them they came out like this. I don’t keep them fixed – not since I realised I could reduce
these 10 expressions into 3 mantras – almost a framework from which my decisions and questions would
rise.

Live & Let Live
Proceed Calmly
Work For Peace
Take A Family Day Every Week
Respect The Earth
Be Giving Of Yourself
Be Gentle With Yourself
Speak Your Truth
Learn Something Every Day
Do Something That Scares You.

T7: I have the worst habit of forgetting some of my greatest ‘moments of clarity’. Little ideas I stick on
the walls and notes can be missed. The next is an Ambigram of “Fear Is The Mind Killer”. If I explain
either of those I’ll be doing too many tangents of tangents. If you’re already here – you know what to do.

T8: Do you create yourself? Are you made by others? This is a biggie to me. There’s a certain aspect of self I
can never see from the inside. Thankfully other people do tell me what they see, mostly because I ask them. But sometimes I suspect because of how I’ve engaged them it falls out of their mouths before they realise. I find this so much fun. When I worry less about my ego boundaries and more about the strengths and weaknesses of my interactions, many spirals of positive reinforcement can occur.

T9: To resonate isn’t just a connection to me, it’s connection, familiarity, warmth, deja-vu & positive
feedback all looped into a feeling that just screams YES! We all need more screams of YES! in our lives don’t
we?

T9: I don’t care if NLP is classed as pseudo-science due to its entirely anecdotal nature. I’ve met so so many
people. I have served tens of thousands of people beer and food, I have worked with thousands of people (for
money and as volunteers), I have listened to small children form conceptual statements no adult would every
say. Stories have meanings if you want them to, and even the psychopaths, sociopaths & the narcissist I married, had many layers to the stories they built about themselves.

T10: I’ve been in continuous psycho-dynamic counseling for two years now. And sometimes I ‘play’
with the format. She’ll start a suggestion, and I will write something down. When she’s made a point about a
theory or a process it’s very rare I hadn’t guessed the goal, or at least the direction from the look on her
face. I’ve even had the odd session where I’m sharing anecdotes and quotes and she’s got that ‘look of wonder’. Thankfully she’s willing to explore things with me about conceptual frameworks for humans that I cannot get anywhere else. I’ve touched from lay-man to master degree concepts through my natural philosophical drive before I knew that other people had formed these ideas too. It keeps me humble.

T11: Etymology. When you know the meaning of a word that’s one thing. When you know it’s origin that’s another layer. When you know it’s related words that’s another. When you know it’s other language options that’s another layer. When I find words, phrases & idioms that exist only in one language I am fascinated. Did I suggest reading a thesaurus yet? Didn’t I? I am more than capable of falling into repeated language loops. But I have to remember while alliteration can be illumination, big words are just unwieldy. Like taking a broadsword when you need a butter knife.

T12: Visual metaphor for my axial mesh of ideas, images and concepts isn’t easy. But this GIF of a tesseract is a great start. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:8-cell.gif). I’m not going to delve deep into the maths.. but consider this. It is a moving, shifting object 4D within our limted 3D space. I have the same ‘gut instinct’ about ideas and how they link together. These are called hyper cubes. Here’s how to build up the level of understanding to approach what is overloading my head when I write.

The construction of hypercubes – or to me increasingly complex understanding of ideas and meanings can be imagined the following way:

1-dimensional: Two points A and B can be connected to become a line, giving a new line segment AB. Two ideas conjoined somehow. Binary, Black & White Logic


2-dimensional: Two parallel line segments AB and CD can be connected to become a square, with the corners marked as ABCD. Ideas conjoined, a space for ideas to be within or without

3-dimensional: Two parallel squares ABCD and EFGH can be connected to become a cube, with the corners marked as ABCDEFGH. Ideas combined in such a way that point of view or perspective matters

4-dimensional: Two parallel cubes ABCDEFGH and IJKLMNOP can be connected to become a tesseract, with the corners marked as ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP.

Ideas combined in such a way that they flow, are unstable, and it’s about which step of that flow you focus, the interpretation differs depending on not just perspective, but a choice in where I chose to stop the loops spinning. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypercube#/media/File:4-cube_graph.svg) I’m still working on this in plain English. Please forgive me.

I also used to draw a lot of shapes and patterns like this… I still doodle them when I’m wandering or not flowing in words. It’s a path. A journey I suppose. I may never reach an end. Maybe I don’t need to?

T13: On my 40th birthday I was King Of My Dominion. A job I played at, a partner I showered in love every day, hopes and dreams being made real. Turns out I’d been playing inside someone else’s fantasy land. And I didn’t even know it. I flew close to the sun. I should have stayed in my deep oceans. I am learning hard lessons here.

T14: To be untethered is so pleasurable. After I’d hit my first moment of Wisdom in life I travelled. I travelled real light. Me, a bag, some clothes and a few books. Turns out I really don’t need more more than a warm bed, a full belly, and a fun plan for the day.

T15: I was 9 years old when my voice dropped, I had to start shaving. I finished growing about 13 at 5.11. I stood out at high school when I arrived as I was taller than most seniors. I sweated a lot, and still do. I had major acne for years, I was uniquely co-ordinated (shit at sports) and my eyes had started to wander of their own accord. Being an outlier has followed me all my life. At some point I embraced it. If people don’t like my weird, then quite frankly they can get in the fucking sea!


T16: I can got to bars and beer events across Europe and pick up with people, and be known with people I don’t even remember. It’s like I’m a celebrity in my own life. I find it flattering. But I haven’t mastered taking compliments yet. People never forget me. How do I use that to my advantage?


T17: I once had a guy come up and hug me without words, and he cried a little. I had no idea who the fuck he was. It was very odd. My friends had to remind me that one year at a festival I’d taken a drug confused gent, sat him down, fed him, watered him, listened to him, and put him to sleep in my tent to recover. In his words I saved his life. I felt compelled to do what I did, because I couldn’t not. Maybe we can all change the world one person at a time?

T18: Same Think & Safe Think has so many names. I understand why it exists, it can lead to a simple & comfortably co-ordinated social life, but it leads to massive blind spots in ability to see consequences. How many times this year have you seen or heard someone complain that everyone is ignoring lock down as the shops are full while being stood in the queue for said same shop? Or my personal peeve – the cognitive dissonance of those who can say two contradictory statements and not blink. Each idea on its own has some value or merit – but when tested against reality they do not fit. I think of this like herd-mentality, I need to express this better. Somehow.

T19: I have done these sequences as the blog demands the answers, so like my mental hypercube you can explore around the ideas. These are the tangents I know that ‘one on one’ I would start to wander down, get excited by another pattern or idea and get completely lost. So I’ve split them off to let the reader play around as they see fit, take as much or as little as the reader needs. Or to just ignore my derbal viahorrea completely and stick to a shorter, succinct and clearer point.

T20: A hard life lesson for me to unlearn is to let go of my internalised ‘Lancelot’. We’re all a product of our paths. But every time I don this hero armour, it drains me, and on occasions has caused me for far to long to forget to self-care.

T21: I started this blog to help with beer research, maths teaching, and toy soldiers building. It’s becoming something very different. And I’m OK with that.

T22: I see so many people using the ‘rule of cool’ to dictate how they present themselves or their businesses. My whole Ming persona was meant to give me a little space between my public and private selves, a chance to develop, to learn some new skills. As I type this, I am still in that process. Can we all be our own greatest work of art or self-expression? I wonder…

T23: Some people it seems like the Yes Man book was a ‘moment’. I went for the Dice Man. And when I was very self-destructive or nihilistic I would roll the dice and run with it. I still do. But not with 6 options. I just roll with certain things on impulse. And here I am, back in something that feels like a loop – but it’s much more a spiral than ever before. I suspect for me it’s something to do with accepting a level of life that is uncontrollable. Like for many people I know their ‘ordered’ home space is not sufficient to satisfy them – they need the ‘chaos’ of an external world.

T24: A good friend sent me a link to a company called Professional Weirdos. All my favourite journeys start with a leap of curiosity. It also pleases my inner child to run with these curious people!(https://www.professionalweirdos.co.uk/)

T25: Bloody Yoda memes! (https://youtu.be/kFnFr-DOPf8) it’s probably some Buddhist koan but I’m not going to keep diverging on this here and now. I need to focus.. more. Or less. I am undecided. Thankfully I do not have infinite time. And I’ve already trebled the time I expected this to take. There will be a long review tomorrow. After food, people, and sleep. The real sustenance of my life. This is some compunction that I wish was my Lion’s Roar. Oops. There. is. A MASSIVE. divergent. thought. That would redirect the whole river of thought into an oceanic mess.

T26: While I find magic great fun, Penn & Teller have really excelled at the art form to me. They show you how the trick works, and still it feels like magic. I am delusional enough to think that this is my sincerest imitation of their approach. I also know that while all art is theft, I’m sure they won’t mind a poorly formed compliment.

T27: I have looked so much into learning styles, and teaching styles, I think I studied and thought far beyond the limits of a maths teacher. There are also bar staff that I have trained that have taken some of my principles and either copied or riffed on them. There are many now running their own bars. I can only attempt to open doors in peoples perceptions, it is up to them whether the ignore that door, step through it, or disassemble it and rebuild it in their own style. Either way it feels like a form of immortality. All we all leave behind is what we shared with others.

T28: “Don’t preach, dialogue” All I really have is the limits of my perceptions. I have no right or place to dictate whether anyone else’s thoughts are right or wrong, or even what they should do with my ideas. How people act is a divergence for another discussion.

T29: Why Mental Masturbation? Well I really am playing around with words and ideas & that give me a massive thrill, but that doesn’t mean everyone wants to watch.

T30: In order to remain honest I have developed a set script about HerWhoHasNoName. I caught her having 7 affairs in 2 years, 4 overlapping affairs the day we got married, friends I did & didn’t know about that if I’d ever heard any of that talk I would not have given her the time of day. She started with lies from Day 1 – and I never saw it. Until I did. My dark comedic passenger is getting me through. My counsellor says only physical and sexual violence cases are more shocking. I didn’t ever want a boring life. Well I definitely haven’t been bored. PTSD is a bitch. But it also saved me from me. Knowledge is pleasure. Knowledge is pain. Jeff Noon divergence really wants me to go off on this one. Not here, not now. But not never.

T31: I’ve looked into being a ghost writer. I need to look more. Helping someone shape their story would be such an honour & a privilege.

T32: Mathematics is philosophy of logic rules, I’ve done a lot of politics, etymology and communication ‘research’ in my life. But what does it all mean? Seriously? Then I remind myself the human species is a sexually transmitted disease with no known cure that is 100% fatal. No-one gets out alive. Do I need to take it so seriously? On reflection. On this matter. Abso-fucking-lutely. This is my primary axiom.. what does it mean.. all else spirals from here. All other axioms will always link back to this primordial WTF11!?!LEETBBQ! moment of birth.

T33: I feel most alive when I get into a dialogue about religion & politics. Those headers are almost kryptonite to the average person. I need a better way to explain they’re just beliefs and values based on the meanings assigned. As in Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. What is value? what is quality? Is anything intrinsic?

T34: The Lions Roar a Buddhist concept about finding your voice – a Western version is the Fire/Spark. But I prefer the image of the community hearing the roar.

T35: A little effort every day adds up to big results. There’s a blog on here about this if you want to go hunting.

T36: The Pixies. Velouria.

[Verse 1]
Hold my head
We’ll trampoline
Finally through the roof (finally through the roof)
On to somewhere near
And far in time

[Verse 2]
Velouria
Her covering
Travelling career (travelling career)
She can really move
Oh velveteen

[Chorus]
My Velouria, my Velouria
Even I’ll adore ya, my Velouria
Even I’ll adore ya, my Velouria
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

[Verse 2]
Say to me
Where have you been
Finally through the roof (finally through the roof)
And how does lemur skin
Reflect the sea?
[Bridge]
We will wade in the shine of the ever
We will wade in the shine of the ever
We will wade in the tides of the summer
Every summer, every summer
Every
My Velouria, my Velouria

[Verse 3]
Forever green
I know she’s here
In California (California)
I can see the tears
Of Shasta sheen

[Chorus]
My Velouria, my Velouria (V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
Even I’ll adore ya, my Velouria (V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
Even I’ll adore ya, my Velouria (V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
Even I’ll adore ya, my Velouria (V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
Even I’ll adore ya, my Velouria (V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)

[Outro]
(V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
(V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
(V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
(V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)

T37: The only superpower any of us will ever posses is the ability to focus and achieve. I just find the world and imaginings get in the way.

Connections, Context & Classifications

Last month I was painfully aware that I was in a rut. A rut not entirely of my own making. Thankfully my wandering thoughts reminded me of a book. In this book a Japanese monk lists every item he owns, and how he looks after them throughout the year. It was very detailed, but short chapters – and a short book.

Then it clicked. About halfway through I realised he wasn’t really trying to point out every detail of his life.

What he was showing was that he cared deeply about every detail of his life, his possessions and his home. After all he was responsible for them, and they weren’t going to look after themselves.

And here I was – working, coming home and repeating. A little task here, a phone call there. A zoom, some music, a book. I was lyrically speaking, comfortably numb. And with the lock-down rules the ‘treats’ & ‘rewards’ & my normal ‘king of the cuppa’ or ‘gig night!’ lifestyle are well and truly DENIED! (I’m not discussing my cravings for saunas or a Jacuzzi or swimming for more than 30 minutes)

I’ve even added back a webcam, and while I find video chats exhausting, at least I’ve seen and heard a few people. I’d love to go somewhere I’ve never been, to see things I’ve never seen, to meet strangers & see the world through their eyes – even for a moment. Over time some of these strangers have become life-time friends.

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

Lao Tzu

Then an option to say YES, to roll the dice & doing something new arose. And it tickled something that’s increasingly bugging me the entire lock-down. The next day my single phrase scribbling self was producing whole paragraphs of thoughts

I have lots of hobbies, to relax, to learn, to improve. However I can say with candid honesty that until this year I had not been aware just how critical my time with my eclectic mix of friends & my love of experiences over possession are to me. It’s as if I’ve been running at 3/10 – and everyone just kind of tells me just to ‘put up with it’ or ‘we’re all in the same boat’

With all due respect. Shut the fuck up. We are not in the same boat, we are all in the same storm. And I hit the storm full speed, riding a financial & spiritual whirlwind from the fallout from 10 years with Herwithnoname.

Don’t we all have ‘deaths of selves’ over time as we metamorphose into a new self?

At least some people do.

How do I identify good selves in other people? And to some extent how do I identity the traits in me I like?

There’s always a lot of ‘gut instinct’ or ‘vibe’ going on – but that only really ever gets me past the threshold of hey/hellos/passing nod – so here’s a rough list…that came out of unleashing myself from my comfortable space… which will do for now. New experiences & new people are inspiring to me.. mostly. Then again even a bad example can be a great lesson.

I’m sure some people may see hints of the ‘Law of Attraction’ in here, but that’s always been too woolly and vague to resonate with me. I’m not interested in wishful thinking. I prefer to see wish fulfillment. And like the monk, I’m responsible for making it happen.

The essence of the independent mind lies not in what it thinks, but in how it thinks.

Christopher Hitchens

When I talk with this person do I feel elevated? Do they ask personal thought-provoking questions that move the discussion forward in some way? Maybe they don’t resort to generic front-page topics, maybe it feels like you’re off the record with a journalist that actually cares about me? Am I in a dialogue of ideas or a tit-for-tat chest thumping status test?

Are they showing any self-reflection? Have they done the pre-work of gaining insights on themselves, are they not victimized by their emotional state, by what frustrates or angers them? Do they have some self control? Do they see whats playful and whats not? Do they weigh up long term consequences versus short term satiation?

Do they grasp fair play or openness? Are you exploring a mental or physical space together? If they do not get personal over disagreements & they know debates are a battleground for ideas only – I’m always always in for the ride! However, if pushed to the edge, buckle up – because I would guess, like m,e they will eviscerate their opponent in spectacular fashion. I’d probably still smile and not raise my voice. 15 years of dealing with drunks drills that deep in your soul.

Do they know their audience and never talk down to people? Intelligent people do not patronize others, even for a quick laugh. (Until of course they are no longer a stranger!) Will they scratch and claw their way to common ground with anyone? Powerful friendships are not birthed out of proximity, only meaningful connection.

Is this person results-oriented? Can they own their failures and move on? – Not dwelling in the past or fixating on issues that can only be solved with a time machine. Is “Onwards and Upwards” part of their creed? Do they have something greater than intelligence? Do they have some resilience in the face of a chaotic reality?

We all want connections, but the context and how I classify those connections is key. Time to stop this and see what succeeds today.