Music, Magic & Madness

caveat lector: This is not intended as a complete work, it is but a snapshot of a process I have never attempted to show – it is a buffet of ideas, on a surrealist table, treat it as such – and not a Chinese 20 course wedding banquet, take as much or as little as you like. And if you don’t like, I’m ok with that. This is a first step on a road to somewhere. Much Loves. Biggest Hugs. ‘Ming’

It all started at 11.45am, as there’s the late morning CRESCENDO OF CLASSICAL blaring from the radio. (T1) I realised I’d like to PLAY A GAME, to steal a movie phrase, but this time the only thing that will die, is my FEAR OF FAILURE.(T2)

Scribble Diahorrea (P1)

I felt compelled to “JUST DO IT!”. (T3) After all it is all connected to all (T4) and it’s possible I have a shade of ‘hypergraphia‘. (T5)

How did I get here, in this moment? In the midst of this CHAOS we’re all in? My daily mantras of ” #JustAsk #SayYes #Gratitude(T6) help set some daily mental space parameters – into which I am better at shaping ideas to be useful. I generate ideas I cannot connect all the time. It’s kind of my SUPERPOWER.

It’s like there’s multiple kinds of improvising self trying to find ‘the script’ – I’m now at the point were I’ve decided some of these scripts need to be permanently on my self. (T7)

It’s also at the point were my lifetime of TRIAL & ERROR with the creation of myself (T8) has compelled me to commence a Neuro-linguistic Programming Practitioner course, and no it’s not for a career. More just because it resonates. (T9)

Stories, stories, always with the stories, analogies, synonyms, antonyms. (T10)

I have a lifetime of anecdotes which lead me to engage in MEANDERING CONVERSATIONS. (T11)

There’s an axial mesh of ideas in my head when I wake, well rested, fed & centered. (T12)

I have been on a fantastical journey from 40th birthday to my 44th (T13) – I was tied to a plan, however now I am ‘free’. (T14) I’d forgotten how much of a known face I am (T15), especially in UK & International Beer Bars/Events. (T16) Am I really a “Celebrity in my own life” ??? – feels dangerously egotistic. (T17)

Surprise Gifts can be a multi-layered Present (P2)

I am surround by a world of so much ‘Same/Safe Think’. (T18) I surround myself with so many thought or emotion provoking items. I have not been able to surround myself with enough people, who do the same, as often. But in all this external chaos in the world I’ve been reassessing the SAFE SPACE of my home – Why does my home feel familiar, yet new?

A snapshot in time of my bedroom walls in my early 20s (P3)

A snapshot in time of my staircase walls in my 40s (P4)

Last year I rebuilt my memories board – but when did I ever build a What Inspires Me Board? And that sent me off on a colour tangent on house walls, which then made me realise in order to write any of this to be understood it was going to need some limits. Today I will refer to it in word-salad form as my ‘TANGENTIAL EXAMPLE DIVERGENCE LIMITER (T19)

I have to be careful not expose too much of my personal self (T20) – what I need is an avatar, a shard, a costume, a prop. A persona. This has been a bloggerati placeholder for a long time. (T21)

And all this & that which really inspire me, come from either moments of insane spontaneous interaction, or the situation were another traveler on this earth-ship worked on their CRAFT before they found their HOOK. A good musician experiments in PRIVATE before they make their display PUBLIC. (T22)

On whatever date it was I was coaxed into rolling the dice (T23) with a bunch of weirdos (T24) I woke up once I started down the new path with some titles in my head. At first I thought the titles were key. On reflection I realise that just as fear leads to anger, these angry, frustrated titles, had far more to do with my subconscious sorting things out. (T25)

The first thing i wrote was three phrases, which looked like titles. But they aren’t.

Reports from an Earth-based Spaceman”

  • It’s a bit meh.. but all these notes, daily dialogues, can I use them as props?
  • How do I keep the comedy element I achieve in a personal conversation?
  • How to keep in some simple comedy with a serious point?
  • This is some aspect of myself focusing perception on the absurdities on “NOW/LIFE”. (T26)
  • Can I use a mixture of Pictures, Music, Diagrams, Words?. (T27)
  • I am massively conscious that I must PREVENT 1) Preaching (T28) 2) Mental Masturbation (T29)

What was my point. erm… cockwaffles.. start again… (P5)

The Wife Who Never Was & How it Happened

  • This would be catharsis.
  • There’s absolutely this book in me, if not more.
  • I just needed the fog of war to settle. (T30)
  • It may even be better if I hired a GHOST WRITER. (T31)
  • This is some aspect of me focusing on my PAST LIFE
  • What has my path truly been?

“Only Constant is Change

  • I have never not been told to fuck off and study philosophy. (T32)
  • Making myself take those vital first steps on any journey I can see were I could absolutely focus, without equivocation – metaphysics. (T33)
  • This almost feels like the urge to make a Journal of a JOURNEY..
  • This is my main internal WTF about life.
  • Could I translate and interpret from theory to reality to anybody – like I always seem to?
  • It is time to explore BEYOND MY LIFE & PERCEPTION. ahaha… GL me. Sorry dear readers.
  • This is some aspect of me facing the unknown of a FUTURE LIFE

Walls for thoughts. (P6)

Somewhere in this I mentioned playing a game. Is there still I game? I have to say so, I made this!

Does any of that resonate with YOUR STORIES/LIFE.. what came to mind about YOU – Not me!

Like Penn & Teller I’ve shown (almost) every step.. but does it still feel a little like a kind of magic?


This was supposed to have been done in my first 2hrs of a day. Due to the prior night that didn’t happen. But today I learned that if I can totally reset my self at any point. I can reignite that fire. (T34)

Small chunks every day. Many projects. Keep moving Shaun (T35)

I am MISSING MANY PEOPLE…to hold hands with and dance into the shine of the ever (T36)

This dichotomic man, tryptic man, quadratic man with his LOGICAL & LINGUISTIC humours is trying really really hard to focus his superpower. (T37)

The pace and the pulse of the music playing in the back ground changes.. more thoughts are stirred… the urge to write increases.

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise”

Alden Nowlan

T37 : P6 : Q1 : L1

MUSIC – 5 Knee Philip Glass.

NOTES ON SCRIBBLES – Enjoy!

PICTURES – EXPANDED

P1: The compulsion to write was so bad this day I had to pull over on the motorway and just release onto the back of a service pad in my work van. Not very professional – but this you are reading now is that in plain(er) English not my brain spasms.

P2: Random gifts are amazing – personalised gifts based on something you once said to someone in a bar that changed the way they thought. Well that’s a gift from the universe that will always counter the ennui of modern life. It reads “Just enough to keep you occupied, but not enough to keep you satisfied” It includes a picture of the Cheshire Cat and the Caterpillar. It changed his view on work. And it changed my views on the power of meanings. A positive spiral. Thanks Mike. You’re a fucking leg-end. Sub-tangent on the power of Lewis Carroll possible here.

P3: I think at the time this was mostly movie & music posters, clips from magazines, gig tickets… all the stuff that got me thinking. Finding this I had to go through my old box of memories, not all fun. But all these things got me to here. So I’m not changing a thing. Even bad examples can be a great lesson.

P4: A whole frame of personable memorabilia, and some art. And these days the stuff that gets walled up isn’t just about what I think about, I also consider how it makes me feel. Life tends to give the exam before the lesson. In some ways I see this as present self collating notes from past self to tell to future self. It’s my story. No-one has to listen. And no-one needs to care but me. If someone does, then I think I just start sharing stories and ideas in that space between two people.

P5: If you got this far does this picture need an explanation? Smug smirk insert. Also self-deprecation is essential in leveling the imbalance in some communications. Trust me on this. And on the sunscreen.

P6: I had a beautiful flowing Fish YING/YANG GIF the other night, and as is me, it exists only in my memory again now. There’s so many layers in the symbol I’m not touching it here, but the fish in water variant really resonates with me. I found this note to self the other day: [“Be like water, find your flow, notice the path of least resistance. Nourish life.” Notes to self.] Have you ever done that? Wrote a note, a memory, or advice and just hid it somewhere? Have you done it for a loved one? A world of wonder and surprise is yours for the taking, if you take the path less traveled.

TANGENTS – EXPANDED

T1: I don’t know how much time you’ve spent listening to any radio stations, but there are underlying patterns in the pacing and types of music used. You’re possibly already aware that it’s quieter overnight. (Mostly). As I
drive with Classical Radio 3 on to enhance my calm state, I really notice the dips and lows in rhythms from
a 6am-9am slow build. A dip till around 11am. Rising again till 12-1.. a dip again until 5-ish.. and then
wandering all over the shop in the evening with lots of experimental & abstract songs were modern musicians disrupt the norms and challenge your senses. Music played by a room full of people, not a machine is a fascinating spectacle of human co-operation.

T2: I have many things that my inner urban caveman has ‘sprayed’ onto the walls of his modern cave. The quote “Do Something That Scares You Every Day” is roughly stamp printed over a passage from an old dictionary that starts with the word INTEMPERATE adj. “not defiled; pure;unsullied” & ends with INTERBRAIN “a non-technical word for diencephalon” which has always amused me no end because of the extra layers, and because I still enjoy reading dictionaries and encyclopedias for knowledge. Wikipedia is one of the greatest gifts of knowledge from past humanity to future humanity. But books also have that lovely smell and sense association.

T3: I’m guessing everyone’s seen all the Shia LeBeouf Memes – but I had not idea that while he knew it would
be ridiculed, all he was really trying to do was motivate people somehow – I can whole-heartedly recommend this interview series. Humanity is under-rated in media (https://firstwefeast.com/eat/2019/09/shia-labeouf-
sheds-a-tear-while-eating-spicy-wings-hot-ones)

T4: Why do we tell such straight line stories? Because in my humble experience, it’s just not true. James
Burke’s Science Notes within The Essay series its the best example of simple but complex multi-threaded story-telling that amuses and informs that I’ve encountered for a while. And no this is not the same as ‘mystery box’ or (shudders) ‘subverting expectations’ (https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000s1lc)

T5: I wake, I write, I wonder is not a joke. I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t depressed that I was not
compelled to scribble a note, an idea or a quote on paper, my school books, on toilet walls, and sometimes
even I can’t read what I wrote because I have to write so fast and so impulsively. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypergraphia)

T6: I don’t recall how many versions my 10 happiness helpers have been through at this point. In some way
like Jordan Peterson’s Rules For Life – there are a personal counterfactual response to my experience. The
last time I wrote them they came out like this. I don’t keep them fixed – not since I realised I could reduce
these 10 expressions into 3 mantras – almost a framework from which my decisions and questions would
rise.

Live & Let Live
Proceed Calmly
Work For Peace
Take A Family Day Every Week
Respect The Earth
Be Giving Of Yourself
Be Gentle With Yourself
Speak Your Truth
Learn Something Every Day
Do Something That Scares You.

T7: I have the worst habit of forgetting some of my greatest ‘moments of clarity’. Little ideas I stick on
the walls and notes can be missed. The next is an Ambigram of “Fear Is The Mind Killer”. If I explain
either of those I’ll be doing too many tangents of tangents. If you’re already here – you know what to do.

T8: Do you create yourself? Are you made by others? This is a biggie to me. There’s a certain aspect of self I
can never see from the inside. Thankfully other people do tell me what they see, mostly because I ask them. But sometimes I suspect because of how I’ve engaged them it falls out of their mouths before they realise. I find this so much fun. When I worry less about my ego boundaries and more about the strengths and weaknesses of my interactions, many spirals of positive reinforcement can occur.

T9: To resonate isn’t just a connection to me, it’s connection, familiarity, warmth, deja-vu & positive
feedback all looped into a feeling that just screams YES! We all need more screams of YES! in our lives don’t
we?

T9: I don’t care if NLP is classed as pseudo-science due to its entirely anecdotal nature. I’ve met so so many
people. I have served tens of thousands of people beer and food, I have worked with thousands of people (for
money and as volunteers), I have listened to small children form conceptual statements no adult would every
say. Stories have meanings if you want them to, and even the psychopaths, sociopaths & the narcissist I married, had many layers to the stories they built about themselves.

T10: I’ve been in continuous psycho-dynamic counseling for two years now. And sometimes I ‘play’
with the format. She’ll start a suggestion, and I will write something down. When she’s made a point about a
theory or a process it’s very rare I hadn’t guessed the goal, or at least the direction from the look on her
face. I’ve even had the odd session where I’m sharing anecdotes and quotes and she’s got that ‘look of wonder’. Thankfully she’s willing to explore things with me about conceptual frameworks for humans that I cannot get anywhere else. I’ve touched from lay-man to master degree concepts through my natural philosophical drive before I knew that other people had formed these ideas too. It keeps me humble.

T11: Etymology. When you know the meaning of a word that’s one thing. When you know it’s origin that’s another layer. When you know it’s related words that’s another. When you know it’s other language options that’s another layer. When I find words, phrases & idioms that exist only in one language I am fascinated. Did I suggest reading a thesaurus yet? Didn’t I? I am more than capable of falling into repeated language loops. But I have to remember while alliteration can be illumination, big words are just unwieldy. Like taking a broadsword when you need a butter knife.

T12: Visual metaphor for my axial mesh of ideas, images and concepts isn’t easy. But this GIF of a tesseract is a great start. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:8-cell.gif). I’m not going to delve deep into the maths.. but consider this. It is a moving, shifting object 4D within our limted 3D space. I have the same ‘gut instinct’ about ideas and how they link together. These are called hyper cubes. Here’s how to build up the level of understanding to approach what is overloading my head when I write.

The construction of hypercubes – or to me increasingly complex understanding of ideas and meanings can be imagined the following way:

1-dimensional: Two points A and B can be connected to become a line, giving a new line segment AB. Two ideas conjoined somehow. Binary, Black & White Logic


2-dimensional: Two parallel line segments AB and CD can be connected to become a square, with the corners marked as ABCD. Ideas conjoined, a space for ideas to be within or without

3-dimensional: Two parallel squares ABCD and EFGH can be connected to become a cube, with the corners marked as ABCDEFGH. Ideas combined in such a way that point of view or perspective matters

4-dimensional: Two parallel cubes ABCDEFGH and IJKLMNOP can be connected to become a tesseract, with the corners marked as ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP.

Ideas combined in such a way that they flow, are unstable, and it’s about which step of that flow you focus, the interpretation differs depending on not just perspective, but a choice in where I chose to stop the loops spinning. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypercube#/media/File:4-cube_graph.svg) I’m still working on this in plain English. Please forgive me.

I also used to draw a lot of shapes and patterns like this… I still doodle them when I’m wandering or not flowing in words. It’s a path. A journey I suppose. I may never reach an end. Maybe I don’t need to?

T13: On my 40th birthday I was King Of My Dominion. A job I played at, a partner I showered in love every day, hopes and dreams being made real. Turns out I’d been playing inside someone else’s fantasy land. And I didn’t even know it. I flew close to the sun. I should have stayed in my deep oceans. I am learning hard lessons here.

T14: To be untethered is so pleasurable. After I’d hit my first moment of Wisdom in life I travelled. I travelled real light. Me, a bag, some clothes and a few books. Turns out I really don’t need more more than a warm bed, a full belly, and a fun plan for the day.

T15: I was 9 years old when my voice dropped, I had to start shaving. I finished growing about 13 at 5.11. I stood out at high school when I arrived as I was taller than most seniors. I sweated a lot, and still do. I had major acne for years, I was uniquely co-ordinated (shit at sports) and my eyes had started to wander of their own accord. Being an outlier has followed me all my life. At some point I embraced it. If people don’t like my weird, then quite frankly they can get in the fucking sea!


T16: I can got to bars and beer events across Europe and pick up with people, and be known with people I don’t even remember. It’s like I’m a celebrity in my own life. I find it flattering. But I haven’t mastered taking compliments yet. People never forget me. How do I use that to my advantage?


T17: I once had a guy come up and hug me without words, and he cried a little. I had no idea who the fuck he was. It was very odd. My friends had to remind me that one year at a festival I’d taken a drug confused gent, sat him down, fed him, watered him, listened to him, and put him to sleep in my tent to recover. In his words I saved his life. I felt compelled to do what I did, because I couldn’t not. Maybe we can all change the world one person at a time?

T18: Same Think & Safe Think has so many names. I understand why it exists, it can lead to a simple & comfortably co-ordinated social life, but it leads to massive blind spots in ability to see consequences. How many times this year have you seen or heard someone complain that everyone is ignoring lock down as the shops are full while being stood in the queue for said same shop? Or my personal peeve – the cognitive dissonance of those who can say two contradictory statements and not blink. Each idea on its own has some value or merit – but when tested against reality they do not fit. I think of this like herd-mentality, I need to express this better. Somehow.

T19: I have done these sequences as the blog demands the answers, so like my mental hypercube you can explore around the ideas. These are the tangents I know that ‘one on one’ I would start to wander down, get excited by another pattern or idea and get completely lost. So I’ve split them off to let the reader play around as they see fit, take as much or as little as the reader needs. Or to just ignore my derbal viahorrea completely and stick to a shorter, succinct and clearer point.

T20: A hard life lesson for me to unlearn is to let go of my internalised ‘Lancelot’. We’re all a product of our paths. But every time I don this hero armour, it drains me, and on occasions has caused me for far to long to forget to self-care.

T21: I started this blog to help with beer research, maths teaching, and toy soldiers building. It’s becoming something very different. And I’m OK with that.

T22: I see so many people using the ‘rule of cool’ to dictate how they present themselves or their businesses. My whole Ming persona was meant to give me a little space between my public and private selves, a chance to develop, to learn some new skills. As I type this, I am still in that process. Can we all be our own greatest work of art or self-expression? I wonder…

T23: Some people it seems like the Yes Man book was a ‘moment’. I went for the Dice Man. And when I was very self-destructive or nihilistic I would roll the dice and run with it. I still do. But not with 6 options. I just roll with certain things on impulse. And here I am, back in something that feels like a loop – but it’s much more a spiral than ever before. I suspect for me it’s something to do with accepting a level of life that is uncontrollable. Like for many people I know their ‘ordered’ home space is not sufficient to satisfy them – they need the ‘chaos’ of an external world.

T24: A good friend sent me a link to a company called Professional Weirdos. All my favourite journeys start with a leap of curiosity. It also pleases my inner child to run with these curious people!(https://www.professionalweirdos.co.uk/)

T25: Bloody Yoda memes! (https://youtu.be/kFnFr-DOPf8) it’s probably some Buddhist koan but I’m not going to keep diverging on this here and now. I need to focus.. more. Or less. I am undecided. Thankfully I do not have infinite time. And I’ve already trebled the time I expected this to take. There will be a long review tomorrow. After food, people, and sleep. The real sustenance of my life. This is some compunction that I wish was my Lion’s Roar. Oops. There. is. A MASSIVE. divergent. thought. That would redirect the whole river of thought into an oceanic mess.

T26: While I find magic great fun, Penn & Teller have really excelled at the art form to me. They show you how the trick works, and still it feels like magic. I am delusional enough to think that this is my sincerest imitation of their approach. I also know that while all art is theft, I’m sure they won’t mind a poorly formed compliment.

T27: I have looked so much into learning styles, and teaching styles, I think I studied and thought far beyond the limits of a maths teacher. There are also bar staff that I have trained that have taken some of my principles and either copied or riffed on them. There are many now running their own bars. I can only attempt to open doors in peoples perceptions, it is up to them whether the ignore that door, step through it, or disassemble it and rebuild it in their own style. Either way it feels like a form of immortality. All we all leave behind is what we shared with others.

T28: “Don’t preach, dialogue” All I really have is the limits of my perceptions. I have no right or place to dictate whether anyone else’s thoughts are right or wrong, or even what they should do with my ideas. How people act is a divergence for another discussion.

T29: Why Mental Masturbation? Well I really am playing around with words and ideas & that give me a massive thrill, but that doesn’t mean everyone wants to watch.

T30: In order to remain honest I have developed a set script about HerWhoHasNoName. I caught her having 7 affairs in 2 years, 4 overlapping affairs the day we got married, friends I did & didn’t know about that if I’d ever heard any of that talk I would not have given her the time of day. She started with lies from Day 1 – and I never saw it. Until I did. My dark comedic passenger is getting me through. My counsellor says only physical and sexual violence cases are more shocking. I didn’t ever want a boring life. Well I definitely haven’t been bored. PTSD is a bitch. But it also saved me from me. Knowledge is pleasure. Knowledge is pain. Jeff Noon divergence really wants me to go off on this one. Not here, not now. But not never.

T31: I’ve looked into being a ghost writer. I need to look more. Helping someone shape their story would be such an honour & a privilege.

T32: Mathematics is philosophy of logic rules, I’ve done a lot of politics, etymology and communication ‘research’ in my life. But what does it all mean? Seriously? Then I remind myself the human species is a sexually transmitted disease with no known cure that is 100% fatal. No-one gets out alive. Do I need to take it so seriously? On reflection. On this matter. Abso-fucking-lutely. This is my primary axiom.. what does it mean.. all else spirals from here. All other axioms will always link back to this primordial WTF11!?!LEETBBQ! moment of birth.

T33: I feel most alive when I get into a dialogue about religion & politics. Those headers are almost kryptonite to the average person. I need a better way to explain they’re just beliefs and values based on the meanings assigned. As in Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. What is value? what is quality? Is anything intrinsic?

T34: The Lions Roar a Buddhist concept about finding your voice – a Western version is the Fire/Spark. But I prefer the image of the community hearing the roar.

T35: A little effort every day adds up to big results. There’s a blog on here about this if you want to go hunting.

T36: The Pixies. Velouria.

[Verse 1]
Hold my head
We’ll trampoline
Finally through the roof (finally through the roof)
On to somewhere near
And far in time

[Verse 2]
Velouria
Her covering
Travelling career (travelling career)
She can really move
Oh velveteen

[Chorus]
My Velouria, my Velouria
Even I’ll adore ya, my Velouria
Even I’ll adore ya, my Velouria
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

[Verse 2]
Say to me
Where have you been
Finally through the roof (finally through the roof)
And how does lemur skin
Reflect the sea?
[Bridge]
We will wade in the shine of the ever
We will wade in the shine of the ever
We will wade in the tides of the summer
Every summer, every summer
Every
My Velouria, my Velouria

[Verse 3]
Forever green
I know she’s here
In California (California)
I can see the tears
Of Shasta sheen

[Chorus]
My Velouria, my Velouria (V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
Even I’ll adore ya, my Velouria (V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
Even I’ll adore ya, my Velouria (V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
Even I’ll adore ya, my Velouria (V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
Even I’ll adore ya, my Velouria (V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)

[Outro]
(V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
(V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
(V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)
(V-E-L-O-U-R-I-A)

T37: The only superpower any of us will ever posses is the ability to focus and achieve. I just find the world and imaginings get in the way.